dramas of my life

I’m trying to gather my thoughts so that I will have a decent entry for this. Right now, I have too much worries in my mind. Worries that may or may not materialized in the future.

EDZ death really left me in a shaken state. Up until this time I am still worried as to what direction my lupus will be going. As to what complication I have to endure a long the way. While I was on my way to St. Lukes for my check up, she and what she have been through have been on my mind.

Last Sunday, I went to a nearby clinic for some test. This are routine test that I need to bring to Dr. Ino every check up. But this time, I have an additional test — 2D Echo. He asked me to undergo such when I told him about the anxiety attack that i had experience. When I have undergone the 2d echo, I was nervous. Nervous that they might find out something is wrong with my heart.

Tuesday, I phoned the clinic to asked if the results are already for pick up. They told me that they are, so I rushed over and get the papers. I was so thankful to the big guy up there when I saw that the findings are all normal. Of course thats my non medical point of view since I can see NORMAL all over the paper.

Today, we went to St. Lukes. I have long been waiting for this check up since EDZ death because I badly needed to talked to Dr. Ino about it. Talking to my rheuma sometimes help but not this time. lol. What he said after telling him about EDZ dying of pulmonary hypertension makes me worried even more.

According to him, we, lupus patients are really prone to this DEADLY disease. Especially those patients with prolong prednisone intake (that’s me! been on pred since 2002). And me being overweight makes the chances of acquiring the disease higher. And with my history of pulmonary embolism, having pulmonary hypertension is FATAL. Urgh!

Then he proceeded by saying that there is a slight indicator of heart disease on my 2D echo. And I thought the result is CLEAN. But he told me that the indicator may or may not indicate that I have heart disease. Because sometimes the indicator is also present on normal people. It can occur during the test because of nervousness or something. So what we need to do is monitor. And now he ordered me to have CHEST XRAY. I think its been years since he asked me to have one. And based on the result of the XRAY he will know what is the reason behind my shortness of breathing. He also said that I might be right. That all of these can be attributed to me being overweight. So, I really needed to LOSS WEIGHT right now.

I am worried about having a heart disease. Two of the things I am most worried about is lupus affecting my heart and kidney. I don’t care if I got ugly because of rashes. I don’t care if I go BALD. Basta, my internal organs are not affected, its ok by me. So right now I am afraid.

And because of this fear, I am now hell bent to loss weight. I needed to do this to make sure Anevay’s future still have me by her side. I just wish I can have that fear turned into discipline to attain that ideal weight.

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