Last night has been an awful night for me. And I think I am the reason why it turned out the way it turned out.
You see, I have been really really tired doing everything alone. And it did not help that Anevay has been sick on and off for this month. So I get to sleep less and less.
Last night, we were alone in the house. My sister, who is staying with us with her husband left to go home to Pampanga because they are already on leave because my brother in law will be celebrating his birthday on the 2nd of Feb.
The anxiety attack or the panic attack started with the news i heard on the tv. It’s about a robbery and then my mind wonder on too some nasty taughts which scared me. This may sound morbid.. i was thinking that if I die at that moment what would happen to Anevay. You see our house is really secured that it would be hard to determine if someone is inside or not. So I was like, if I die I would make sure that Anevay would be well taken care of. I was visualizing her crying her hearts out and calling mommy.
It was a weird thought that frightens me. And so I had a hard time breathing that I thought a blood clot is on its way. I was trembling. The words of my doctor telling me that I am lucky to be alive despite of my pulmonary embolism and that if ever the blood clot happens again either i will be in coma or worse die.
It was horrible. I was already crying and Anevay was looking at me as if asking me what’s wrong. So, to calm those thought, I texted my brother to accompany us in the house. At least, if something happen to me someone would look at Anevay.
I know it was just a panic attack. And I slept through the night. Thanking God that I woke up. Then another thought came in when I have a trouble breathing. What if another blood clot is on the way ? I would be hospitalized. Who would take care of Anevay ? Would they be able to know when she wants milk or wants biscuits or wants to sleep. Yeah. Those thoughts.
I know I am a worrier. I know I am paranoid. But would you say a little prayer for this paranoid mommy ?
Now, I blog to keep my mind off those bad thoughts.
February 2, 2008 at 21:23
Hello Milet,
I came here because I was worried about your comment just now. And then I read this post. How are you feeling now? It is awful that your husband had to work abroad and you are not well. I hope something can be work out in this respect.
I am glad that your family members are just around the corner. At least you are not really alone in this sense. Take care.
Love and regards,
Serena
February 2, 2008 at 23:20
Serena »
thanks for dropping by. i am much better now. and yes, its an awful situation but we are working on that now.
your comment somehow brightens my day.
February 3, 2008 at 03:17
Milet, you are not alone. My husband goes on a lot of overnight trips for work. I had the same panic attack, what would my kids do if womething happened to me while he was away. Now that they are bigger I have posted a set of emergency telephone numbers on the side of the fridge including 911. So that if they ever needed to, they’ll know what to do.
I am not a religious person but I do belive that G-d will alwys be there for us when we need to. When your hubby goes away pray for safety of you and your little one and belive that you will both be looked after while your hubby is away.
Another thing that helps me when my hubby is away is to rent funny movies and laugh a lot as it takes my mind away from thinkinbg too much, and also makes the time go quicker. I hope this helps you.
Sharon