dramas of my life

So from 2002 when I was diagnosed I was on the down down side. Life for me was doomed. I have to put all dreams on hold. I was living just because. And living was not easy.The dark ages came.

It was even worst than what I have experienced when I lost both papa and mommy way back 1995.Then it was only my emotions that went in havoc. I was able to recover and tell myself that it was god’s will.

But having lupus is different. Emotions run wild as the pain become worst. Depression is one of my major enemy that little by little I try to hide in my self enclosed shell.

There were times that I would call either Papa and Mommy in pain. Asking them to take me with them. I wanted to die than experienced the pain. I started asking God, why me? I started to get angry with myself and my body. My faith was faltering.

I have repeatedly asked “God, why me?”. While walking slowly, while laying in bed with aching knees, while eating with trembling hands, while working with puzzled mind, while vomitting incessantly, while being injected, while blood extractions, while being xrayed, while being confined in the hospital.

It was a tough situation. It was an emotional and physical battle plus financials.

But being raised up to be God fearing, I cannot totally turn away from God. Because I know like JOB he have given me this trial because He knows i can live with it. And of course as always my HUSBAND was always there to remind me to pray. He was my bridge to GOD when I am on my way down. He serves as my anchor. There are time where in I am ready to give up. Give up everything.

Times when I wanted to run and play with Mulong and carry Buma but am not physically capable.

Times when I wanted to window shop with my sister but my feet ache and we have to stop and go home.

Times when I wanted to do some chores for my brother and sister in law but i cannot.

Times when I cannot give in to a request of a friend because my lupus is on the attack. I have to say sorry because I cannot come.

Times when you know you are the right person for an opportunity but you have to turn it down nor it wont be offered to you because you are sick.

Times when I wanted to do something for my husband but my lupus limits me.

These are the times.

Times that right now I can happily look back with a smile and say to my husband “We made it!”.It was a battle well fought and continually being fought with grace.

I have weapons that have stood by me : my family which includes my brother and his family, my sister and her family, my husband and of course some of my trusted friends.

Lesson learn : There will always be rainbow after the rain, just keep the faith. In the end it will always be god and you.

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