dramas of my life

I was only 23 then planning my future. I dream of my own house, my own car, my own family, travels etc. I am always on the go. But when LUPUS came to my life, my whole life STOPPED! All dreams, all plans were put on a HALT! It seems I vanished. I exist yet my existence is close to being bleak.I have that nagging feeling that I would soon die. The pain is unbearable. Imagine having to wake up and not being able to get up? Or you could get up after too many struggle but you cannot walk.

Walking and sitting and climbing up the stairs has been major for me. Things that for ordinary people are ordinary. I envy people who are walking without pain, who could sit comfortably and could climb the stairs in just a split second.
There are times that I would weep and call both Papa and Mommy to fetch me already. I wanted to be with them. I was so tired of the pain i am experiencing and all those medicines i have to take that I wanted to quit.

Its all so unpredictable.

During this depressing time, I have a scape goat. Someone who I go to when I am depressed. Someone who I go to when I wanted to fight. Someone who has always been there come hell or high water. My husband. Nobody can match the patience of this man. He has showed me what he was made of when I was struggling. Together we have fought the evils of LUPUS. He was the first to accept my situation. Before I come to accept me with LUPUS.
It was him who taught to fight. It was him who convince me that I can still continue on with my life even if I have LUPUS.

The first thing that has come to my mind when I learn of the weight LUPUS will bring to my life is to break up with him. I do not want to be accussed of being unfair to him.

I remember one time while i was researching about my sickness I chance upon a lupie who was told to give up his boyfriend because of so many things. I told hubby about this and what did he do. He just shrugged his shoulder and told me that it is his choice. And his choice is to love me inspite of and despite of LUPUS. Lucky me!

Then, I asked him what if I die in the course of my struggle. I was crying then. With that question he cried also. He told me that I was God who can determine the future. We will never know when the time will be but as of that moment he just asked me not asked that question again because just thinking of it breaks his heart.

I was ready to give up my life. my love. my everything. but then hubby asked me ‘are you not tired of thinking about being sick?’ it was like a wake up call to me. then he added ‘ am i not enough motivation for you to fight?’. this lines have been spoken when i was giving him his freedom. and these lines have taught me much. and have lead me to the road of acceptance.

here i am whining about my condition. yes, i am sick but i am love. not that ordinary love but that unconditional love that goes beyond sickness and cure.

i started to accept because i know i am LOVE. and LOVE has cured me in many ways than one.

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